Beauty Queen
by PassionateDarkness
Summary: He found her on the floor her knees pulled to her chest and her arm stretched out in front of her. She dug deep enough to chip the vein, and for a fleeting moment he thought he'd lose her too. He always lost the ones he loved. Spawn


Title: Beauty Queen  
Author: Passionatedarkness  
Summery: He found her on the floor; her knees pulled to her chest and her arm stretched out in front of her. She dug deep enough to chip the vein, and for a fleeting moment he thought he'd lose her tooâ€¦he always lost the ones he loved.

Beauty queen of only eighteen  
She had some trouble with herself  
He was always there to help her  
She always belonged to someone else

He always knew she'd be beautiful. Buffy and Joyce both were and even in her butterfly t-shirts and her undeveloped body, she was pretty. Always pretty. Even after Buffy jumped with tears streaming down her face and her body sliced open, she looked like a goddess. The night Buffy died she cut herself for the first time since she found out she wasn't real. He found her on the floor; her knees pulled to her chest and her arm stretched out in front of her. She dug deep enough to chip the vein, and for a fleeting moment he thought he'd lose her tooâ€¦he always lost the ones he loved.

I drove for miles and miles  
And wound up at your door  
I've had you so many times but somehow  
I want more

After he tried to rape Buffy, he took off. He woke from nightmares  
each night-her face glaring down at him. He never realized how much she meant to him until she was gone. Until he ran away. Sometimes, as he walked down the street, he would see a girl with dark hair and think it was her. He had to stop himself each time from calling out her name. It always seemed to be on his lips. They thought he got the soul for Buffy and in a way he guessed he did. But it was never really about Buffy. When he went back that night, it was for Dawn.

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved  
She will be loved

Cigarette butts seemed to coat the ground outside as he stared into  
her window. He didn't feel the weather anymore, all that mattered was  
that nothing got in...that nothing could hurt her. He almost felt like  
Angelus-standing out there every night, following her as she snuck out  
to grind against little boys. It hurt so bad to see her with someone  
elseâ€¦but the truth was that she wasn't his. She had beenâ€¦once. Then he fucked up. When was the girl he loved ever his?

Tap on my window knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful  
I know I tend to get so insecure  
It doesn't matter anymore

He remembered how she used to show up at his crypt. He always waited for her. Television shows that always kept his attention, didn't. And when he heard her subtle knock on his door, he knew. Knew that it was her. Buffy never knocked. Dawn would come in, her hair all-pretty and her eyes slick with cherry flavored lip gloss and sit on his couch. She would do her homework and he would pretend to watch "Passions". He never actually watched it though, she was always more interesting. She would bite her lip when she was frustrated and let out a little huff of air. Her heart would race when she realized he was staring and she would do a little dance when she finished. It was a simple two-finger wiggle but it still drove him insane. He hated that she drove him insane.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along  
My heart is full and my door's always open  
You can come anytime you want

He never locked the door, just in case she had a nightmare. When the potentials were living in the house she would sometimes come over. He wasn't there anymore; he instead inhabited the Summers basement but each night he would come back to the crypt. Sometimes, she was asleep on the couch and others, her scent covered the place; a gentle smell of innocence and cinnamon. Once she was asleep on his bed; there was a bottle of bourbon on the floor, and the Sex Pistols playing on the boom box. Seeing her like that, wrapped in one of his shirts, was the only thing that made him realize that she might have missed him as much as he missed her.

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved  
She will be loved

He missed her so bloody much it killed him. He watched her bring boys into her room, and heard her scream their names. She shouldn't scream anyone else's name but his. It was moments like that that he had to remind himself that she wasn't his.

I know where you hide  
Alone in your car  
Know all of the things that make you who you are  
I know that goodbye means nothing at all  
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she  
Falls

Most of the time she ran, just to get away from the nonstop chatter of  
the house, from being ignored.. He had dreams that she came to him when she felt like that; that she would run to his side and let him save  
her. He didn't have a right anymore to clean her cuts or to kiss away the pain. Now it would be wrong for him to share a bed with her, or to  
brush her hair gently out of her eyes. Some of them knew that he loved her; he could see it in their eyes every time he stared. Giles knew, he always knew. He was the one who told him to never let go of it. Ripper always surprised him. Red and Glenda had known, but memories like that tend to fade when the love they had for the other disappeared. Anya knew but she kept her mouth shut; didn't want to upset the Whelp. And Kennedy knew. Of all the brats it was the brattiest that figured it out. She told him to watch it, make sure Buffy didn't catch him. Things like that made him wonder if they had accepted him or not. Only she never did and he betrayed that.

Tap on my window knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful

She was so insecure, always fiddling with her hair. Repainting her nails and coating make up on her already gorgeous face. No one that beautiful needed so much fakeness. The word fake always brought her to mind maybe because she wasn't real but what was. His love for Buffy was fake, the image that they might win was just as false. The way she made him feel; that was real. He wished he could tell her just how beautiful she made him feel. How real.

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile  
And she will be loved  
And she will be loved  
And she will be loved  
And she will be loved

Broken. He knew she was and he knew he couldn't fix her anymore.  
He wasn't sure, even if she let him, if he could.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye  
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

He knew she only pretended to hate him. He knew how hard it hurt her to say those things to him. The way her eyes looked; pain covered with confidence. He hated that. That she had to do that. That she had to tell him exactly what he knew. She tried to hard to forget him and he knew he'd never forget her.

I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

He loved her so fucking much and when he felt his insides being burned and Buffy confessed her love he denied it because for once she wasn't the one good enough. Her eyes didn't gleam in the light of a bonfire and she didn't know how to hold a conversation with him when he was drinking his blood. She never slept in a bed with him without doing anything, never held onto him for dear life and never allowed him to kiss her wounds better. She never cried with him at gravesites and never held him when he broke down. She never saw him cry. She never made him cry. She didn't make his insides jumble. She would never be Dawn.

Try so hard to say goodbye

And as he began to turn to dust he realized one final thing. He would  
never have to say goodbye to Dawn because he knew that even as he  
floated away he would always be in her heart. He realized that she loved him as much as he loved her.

Authors Note: This is for Ryan cause she's awesome and the best beta ever. Please, review and make me smile!


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